Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Guess what happened next?

Can I just say that I had like, the best weekend ever? Can I? Well, I did. It started out as a pretty uneventful Saturday. MP went on his 8,000 mile paddle and the kids and I just kind of chilled and relaxed…notice how I did NOT say “chillax”? It falls under my list of words of which I will never speak, right behind “Yummy” and several derivatives of the word “husband”. I just can’t do it. Fast forward to 2:00 pm. My long lost sister of another mister (and Mrs.), Brooke, picked me up en route to see Ms. Britney Spears in Bossier City, LA. I can’t tell you how excited I was about this concert because the words? They fail me. I almost lost control of my bladder is what I’m telling you. SO.EXCITED! So we drive for like, 4 hours and finally get to our hotel (Hilton in Shreveport) and we have about 2 hours of pre-concert beautifying time. And hamburgers. Don’t forget the hamburgers.

So, we leave the hotel around 7 ish for an 8pm concert. It is assigned seating and we don’t even know who the opening act is so we don’t rush it. We’re fashionably late with burgers in hand and we eat in the parking lot. SO- we get inside and Brooke informs me that she “may” have gone over my allotted ticket budget without my permission, is that okay? She flashes our tickets and we are immediately directed to the- are you ready for it?- VIP TABLE. Yes. We are rolling VIP at a Britney Spears concert- nevermind the fact that I am a thirty year old, married mother of two toddlers. JUST YOU NEVERMIND!

We get our VIP bracelets strapped on our wrists (left, NOT the right!) and try to find out seats. We are most unsuccessful so we ask someone and are directed to – are you ready for this?- THE FLOOR LEVEL. You guys, we are stage side, 2nd row standing at a Britney Flippin’ Spears concert. She was exactly 5.74 feet from us at most time. I KNOW?! We totally tried to play it cool, but our efforts were in vain. I am almost ashamed to tell you all that I squealed in delight right along with the 9 year olds directly in front of us.

You would think it didn’t get any better than that, but it SO DID. We get back to our hotel to discover that Britney is not there, much to our dismay. But THEN we find out that we JUST missed Neo, Michelle Rodriguez and the cute little boy that played Miley’s boyfriend in the Hannah Montana movie. They were all at our hotel, along with James Woods and REO Speedwagon. Brooke and I joked all night about how we needed to wear make-up at breakfast just in case we ran into a celebrity and had to snap a picture… hahahaha- it was a night of hypotheticals. What IF…..? UNTIL……..

The next morning we decided against room service and instead, headed to the hotel dining area. We were still wearing the night before’s eye makeup, so it didn’t require much effort to look presentable. Our waitress, Mona, was the best. She told us about all the celebrities that were housed at the hotel. Apparently, she told us, there are 3 movies being filmed in Shreveport and the Hilton is the “host” hotel. She confirmed that Britney was not staying there, but True Blood’s “Eric Northman” a/k/a “The hot, tall, blonde vampire” was. Now. I’ve not seen the show because I don’t have HBO, but I have a slew of friends (both real and facebook) who are truly, madly, deeply in love with this man.

Guess what happened next?

HE WALKED IN. At one point we were even at the buffet together. We wanted to meet him, but didn’t want to make a scene. So. We stalked a little. Not really, but yea we kinda did. We ate slowly…went back for seconds…..talked for 46 minutes and finally decided we were not able to wait him out. So, we headed to the lobby AND the next thing we knew- ALEX SKARSGARD WAS IN THE ELEVATOR WITH US. JUST THE 3 OF US. OMG. I KNOW!

Saturday, September 19, 2009


In giving myself a mini mani/pedi early this AM, I had the unfortunate incident of having a toenail leap into my cup o' Joe. Hmmm. If that's how this day is gonna go down, I may just get right back in bed....

Well, I would if it weren't for the fact that I'll be seeing Ms. Britney Spears in concert in T minus 11 hours so I'm pretty STOKED!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

In other news, my kid's a biter.

So, I’m happy to report that Huggies Overnight Diapers are the answer to everyone’s problems. Kid wetting through everything you put them in? Huggies Overnight Diapers. Kid won’t eat veggies? Huggies Overnight Diapers. Healthcare Reform? Huggies Overnight Diapers. World hunger? Huggies Overnight Diapers. H1N1? Huggies Overnight Diapers. Stray dog tearing up trash on your back porch and running off LIKE A COWARD? Huggies Overnight Diapers. You see where this is going, right? They’re awesome and I’m totally pimping them out right now. Even if you don’t have a kid per se, you NEED some of these Huggies Overnight Diapers. Really. They are life-changing.

In other news, my kid’s a biter. We had this problem when Brogan was a wee lass and in the first two years of her life, she bit 52 kids at daycare. As sure as I’m sitting in this chair, she actually bit 8 kids in 1 day – not a 24 hour period – an 8 hour daycare day. That’s every kid in her class at the time. In fact, Brogan was the reason that the “3 Bites and Your Kid Goes Home!” rule was instituted. You’re welcome. She did eventually outgrow it around the age of 2. After she bit me. On the arm. And then I bit her back. On the arm. YES I DID AND I DO NOT REGRET IT NOT ONE BIT. I was all "IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT THA KITCHEN, SISTER!" I was not having my child chomp on me for anything. Understandably, kids are kids and please take note that she had her fair share of bite marks, so it was totally reciprocal. But still, I was a little embarrassed when I got to the daycare and found out that she had been "quarantined" (their words- not mine) at lunch and forced to sit at a separate table because she bit kids when they got near her Cheeto’s. I don’t blame her really- they were the crunchy kind and everyone knows better than to mess with someone’s crunchy Cheeto’s. That’s just not kosher. But whatever. I was relieved when she stopped.

Fast forward to yesterday. Swaid bit two kids AND pinched someone’s cheek. I’d like to say it was provoked, but I’m almost certain it wasn’t. In fact, just yesterday morning Swaid got his first official "spanking" (yes. We spank. Please don't tell me how to raise my kids and I won't tell you how to raise yours. Thx.) when he clocked Brogan in the face with MP’s Blackberry. He hit her so hard that it left a mark on her forehead. Why? BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A JERK. I witnessed it- she had not provoked him. She wasn’t attempting to steal a toy from his chubby knuckled clutches. She- are you ready for this? – ASKED HIM IF HE’D HAD A GOOD NIGHT?! Are you hearing me? My sweet angel baby girl was showing concern for her brother when he maliciously attacked her. I think he’s watching too much UFC Fight Nights, but at least I know my boy’s got a MEAN RIGHT HOOK!

Monday, September 14, 2009

I had high hopes. I did. Really.

So, yesterday when I posted my “To-Do” list, I had high hopes. I did. Really. Unfortunately “high hopes” don’t plant your garden. Manual labor does. And manual labor wasn’t really welcomed ‘round these parts. You know what was though? A buffet lunch and nap time with my boy. By “boy”, I totally mean me and Big Sir. Bebe was on some sort of crazed-toddler-caffeine-infused-sugar-high. At one point I asked her who her dealer was because that behavior was the behavior of a crack fiend. OK, well maybe I didn’t ask her per se, BUT I THOUGHT IT. Sister was high on life and wasn’t napping for nobody. And if Bebe ain’t napping, ain’t nobody napping! Except that part’s a lie because I totally ditched MP and went to sleep. AND IT WAS GO-OD! HAHA! SUCKA!!! So she and MP played for like 14 hours.

When we awoke (at 5:00 PM btw), Bebe decided she needed to see the Big Fish. This is what she calls Bass Pro Shop….because of the big fish….see? So we went and saw the Big Fish and she was stoked. I thought for sure she would wear out as she had not had a nap, but she proved me wrong. While we were out that way, we thought we’d stop by the new Sam’s as well, but they close at 6:00 on Sunday so we didn’t get to shop. By the time we got home at 7’ish, Sir was half asleep, Bebe was begging for more circus peanuts, and MP and I both realized we had not gone to the store all weekend and determined that dinner was a free for all.

Yea, I just realized there’s really not much entertainment value in this blog entry. My bad, dawg.

What else? What else? What else?

Well, I’m switching to a new brand of diapers for Sir! Exciting, no? For real though, the boy whizzes through everything, specifically at night. Of course, I do let him take a bottle to bed so in hindsight I should prolly stop doing that and maybe decrease his liquids closer to bedtime, but in all honesty- I’m just not gonna do that. Hey- we all have our vices. Mine is coffee, Brogan sleeps with the TV on and MP? His vice is MY LOVE. Well okay, he’s the normal one over here and doesn’t have any. Whatever. Don’t judge us. I’ll report Sir’s nightly activity tonight and see how he does with the new ones. It’s not so much that I hate having crib sheets to wash every day (remember I’ve made my own detergent so I get a little excited when I get to use it!) No, it’s more that I hate to bathe him every.single.morning. ESPECIALLY since I’m probably already running late. Tru dat.

My plans for this week are pretty laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)….

I’ll be Wal-Martin’ it today. MP will be paddling a couple nights this week. UFC Wednesday night on TV and I plan on running 2-3 miles a few nights. I’d still love to till the garden, but we’ll see. That’s really more of a “weekend” thing. Also, at some point I’ve got to clean house again (ugh, does it EVER end?) and on Friday I’ll be preparing to see Britney in concert with my homey, Brooklyn C! Yea, and I’m way more excited about that than any 30 year old mother of two really should be.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday Plans

So, since yesterday could officially go down in the Guiness Book of World Records as "the laziest day a live human has ever had", I'll try and redeem myself today. MP is off on his long paddle at present, but will be back in time for 11:00 service. Ideally, he'd be back in time to help me get both kids ready for said 11:00 service, but we'll see. I'm pretty sure that I'll drop them off at my parents in their pj's and call it "getting them ready by myself." Since Sir had a bout of strep or as I like to say, "The Strap", AND since the H1N1 is apparently RAMPANT around the parts, I'm not entirely comfortable taking them to child care. I know it's a little ridiculous since I take them to daycare 5 days a week, but to me it's one less chance of exposure. Whatever. It makes me feel a little better, plus I don't like having to deal with the screams and cries of trying to drop them off with a stranger.

Anyway, that's not the point of the story. The point is, well I'm not entirely sure I have one yet, but we'll go with it. Yesterday was fantastically lazy and glorious. MP didn't have work day at deer camp due to the 50% possibility of rain. So we were lazy. We didn't wash a dish - we didn't change a sheet - we didn't do a single chore all day. We slept late, made chocolate chip pancakes, went to the Zoo (and didn't let the kids touch ANYTHING, BTW), celebrated my nephew's 2nd bday at my parent's house, NAPPED, cooked dinner and ate. Oh, and we played ALL DAY LONG. Brogan wanted a tea party? We had a tea FEAST. Swaid wanted a ball? We rolled that thing all over this house. Bebe and I read the same book about 5 times. To break the monotony I totally made up my own words - she can't read so she didn't know the difference. But she LOVED it!

I am really hoping we can work on our garden today, but I'm almost certain that MP will be wiped out this afternoon after paddling 894 miles today. Maybe not that many, but whatever. 10 miles to me = 894. My plans for the day include:

1- church
2- nap
3- straighten house
4- laundry (i only have 1 load and it's already in the washer!!!)
5- garden... maybe. maybe. maybe
6- send my kids home with someone
7- work outside - this can really only be accomplished if I can send my kids home with someone
8- grocery shop - I almost forgot about this one

Wish me luck!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

20th (or is it 21st?) century Pioneer

So, as of late - and by “late” I totally mean “last weekend”, I have decided to become a 20th (or is it 21st?) century Pioneer. You read that right. I'm planning on taking sewing classes and with the small exceptions of a mini van, cable television, The Internet, electricity, VS underthings, my iPhone, frequent WalMart trips, an outside-the-home-job, and debt, I am basically a modern day Amish lady. Could practically be twins.

You: “How did it come to this, oh wise one?”

Me: “Dear loyal blog reader: that is indeed a very good question. And I shall answer thee accordingly – I want to save money, eat healthier, and in general – Be Green (er)”

You: “Dos thee dare say Greeneth?” (at some point in this conversation you turned Elizabethian)

Me: “GREENETH INDEED, GOOD SIR!” (….and I am now British)

You: “How would one begin to endeavor to conduct ones manner to reflect a Green lifestyle, Sensei?” (now you are a Ninja)

Me: “Check this, partna. First off, I made homemade laundry detergent and it’s so fresh ‘n so clean clean! Then I holla’d at MP and was all, “Look homey- shawty needs a garden”. I’m still working on the chickens though and MP is all, "Look, chickenhead - MP ain’t down wif da chickens” (and I am a rapper)

So what started this whole thing was last weekend when I did approximately eleventy trillion loads of laundry. I went thru like 2 bottles of detergent and a bottle of fabric softener. That’s like $15 bucks, by the way. Anyway, as luck would have it, my mother has been getting into frugality. In conversation, I mentioned all the laundry I’d done and she told me that she’d just made homemade detergent ala “The Duggars”. Now, there aren’t nearly as many of us as there are the Duggars, but I would challenge them to a laundry dual ANY.DAY. Brogan can’t handle getting anything on her clothes so she changes about 12 times a day and Swaid? Well, let’s just say that the boy could flood a pool. He doesn’t “tinkle”, he waters our lawn. And the neighbor’s lawn. And possibly yours too. We got lots o’ laundry, is what I’m saying.

The recipe for this detergent is cheap and super easy. And since "cheap" and "super easy" are two of my favorite adjectives, I tried it:

2 parts Borax (I used 4 cups)
2 parts Washing Soda (I used 4 cups)
1 part grated Ivory soap (1 bar equals 2 cups, so I used 1 whole bar)

Other than being environmentally safe, the best part about it is the cost. It was like $6 to buy everything, but I still have 2/3 box of both the washing soda and the borax and still have 2 bars of soap left. You only use 2 TBSP per load – 3 if it’s a large load. It might be the best stuff ever.

I also found a recipe for fabric softener as well, but I haven’t made it yet. When I do though, I’ll let you know.

I’m hoping we can get out garden started this weekend. MP has a work day at deer camp (he’s a hunter / gatherer, you know) and still has long paddle scheduled so we’ll see if there’s time. I plan to take pics of the before, during and after!!! And I'll keep asking about the chickens. Maybe next summer we can have some! Maybe. I might have changed my mind by then.....