Dear That Guy

Dear That Guy,
I really have to hand it to you for you have outdone yourself today. Not everyone can make me think about how many different ways I could assault you with this spoon and totally get away with it quite the way you do. The way you talk on your cell phone at an obnoxiously loud level astounds me. I cannot even hear the words coming out of my friend's mouth. You know, That Guy, I envy the way you openly discuss your business for the general population to hear. You made how much money again? In US dollars? Oh, and yen too! Wow. Can I touch you? Maybe just once…? And here I thought restaurants were for eating- but No! Alas, you have managed to transform your corner booth from “restaurant booth” into your “personal office away from your other office.” Kudos. I have never seen that done on HGTV.

You order the waitress around like she’s a paid secretary and that’s not cool, yo. And did you really just tell her the food “sucked”? Oh yea, I like the way you pick on her, but won’t dare say it to the cook. For you are a small man, That Guy, and the cook? Why, he is a literal giant. I respect the way you think you are much bigger than you actually are, but secretly know better. I see you’ve realized you were out of line with her so now you appear “flirty”. Gross. You have a combover. She is not interested. Plus, she is like 30 years your junior. She is still not interested. You do not give up though. You are “That Guy”. You have leather shoes with no socks and golf shorts on. From this angle, it appears you may have even “popped” your collar on that Polo. Ralph Lauren would be proud. You are a sight to behold, That Guy. The waitress is still being nice to you. Probably because she needs your tip, but you know that. You are intentionally trying to push her buttons, yet she keeps a smile on her face. I feel bad for her; however, it DOES humor me to know that she has probably spit in your drink already and that thought makes me laugh. I used to work in the food industry so I know….Oh? What’s that now? You don’t care about what I have to say? Much like the person on the other end of the phone. They must not be very verbal or maybe that’s just because you haven’t stopped talking long enough for them to say anything. Right…you’re the boss. Tell me again about that merger with that company in a country I’ve never heard of. Oh my! What did you just say?! I mean, I am actually pretty intelligent and I can honestly say I’ve never heard that word before. It certainly doesn’t sound very nice though. I would probably spank my 3 year old if she said that to me. Are you sure you should be yelling it out with small children nearby? Oh, that’s right- you don’t care. You are "That Guy". Rules don't apply to you.

OK, I've had about all I can take.

You, Sir, are certainly too big for your britches as my grandma would say. You are one of a kind. Now, listen- I don’t mean to judge you or anyone for that matter- I know better than to throw stones, but you are making it downright impossible for me not to do so. In fact, I want to throw a stone and I kinda want that stone to hit you in your head. So as not to slander you, I will preface saying “You are a jerk!”, with “In my opinion…” That way it’s totally legal.

PS – if you don’t tip her, I will throw this spoon at you and make it look like an accident- DON’T TRY ME!